[Christie]

ATTN: ANIMAL LOVERS

2007-10-17T03:30:34Z

Two weeks ago, my best friend Karly's border collie pup tore the ligament in her knee. It went undiagnosed until two days ago, when we learned she will require majory surgery from an orthopedic specialist to correct. The longer it goes untreated, the less likely it is she'll make a full recovery. The surgery is going to be expensive, and we have no idea how she will be able to afford this surgery.

I'm reaching out in hopes that some of you might find it in your hearts to donate towards this surgery. Please, if you can, even the tiniest amount will help make it possible to make sure Karly's dog Kassi gets the care she needs. Hopefully with this surgery, someday she'll be able to soar after her frisbees again, but right now, we just hope and pray she'll walk normally again.

:( Thank you to everyone,

Christie
&
Karly - www.myspace.com/allfornoreason

Click Here to Donate

HANSON WANTS TO WRITE A SONG FOR ME!

2007-06-28T01:31:25Z

IF YOU NEVER READ ANYTHING I POST HERE, READ THIS. IT'S BASICALLY LIFE AND DEATH, MMMKAY?

Help Hanson spread the word about their new album The Walk and be entered in a contest for them to write a song about you!

Some of the greatest songs of our time have been written about people just like you; songs like "Jessie's Girl" (Rick Springfield), "Beth" (KISS), "Roxanne" (Police) and "My Sharona" (The Knack).

“We have some of the best fans in the world and we want to reward them for what they always do which is spread the word about our music, by making them the subject of that music itself,” said Zac.

The idea is simple: I post links and banners that is linked specifically to my hanson.net username. Each time a banner or link is clicked, it routes you to Hanson's webpage, and I receive a "vote" (or a point) for that click. You can click links as many times as you want per day, from any computer. At the end of the contest, Hanson will at random choose a username from a pool... Each point (vote) I receive puts my name in, and the more clicks I get, the more times my name goes into that pool, and the higher my chances are of winning.

In order to bribe people into voting for me, I am offering a contest of my own. For each time you click a banner or link, I will put YOUR name into a random drawing each week to win a FREE piece of my jewelry, customized to whatever you would like to have. The more times you click for me, the higher your chances are to win a free necklace/charm each week. All YOU have to do is click, which takes literally five seconds... .And then report to me how many times you voted!

For each person that clicks 25+ times, they will AUTOMATICALLY get a free piece of jewelry, without having to have their name drawn at random.

Remember, this is on the HONOR system, folks. So be truthful. I am going to hold up my end of the bargain, so you need to hold up yours and tell me the exact number of times you ACTUALLY voted!

I am posting the banner below, as well as a direct link to the contest. feel free to bookmark the actual link and click on it daily ;) There will also be weekly bulletins with the banners (i will try not to spam), and there will be a banner on my actual page.

Below is the ACTUAL URL for the Hanson contest, without a banner. Remember, all banners and links are directed to the same place, so it's up to you what link you click on!

Hanson Contest Link

And here is the clickable banner, you will see similar ones both in my journal, on my myspace, and on my buzznet page:

If you want to bookmark my PROMO [buzznet] site made especially for this contest, please go to the link below:

hanson LOVES christie

THANK YOU everyone for your time, I OWE you one!!! Good luck in MY contest, as well, and make sure you send me your click tally each week!

too many cooks in the kitchen.

2007-06-14T00:12:23Z

omgzzzz friends cut u guyz. stay tuned.......... if you see an entry in like 15 minutes you win the honor of reading my bullshit nonsense. :) if you want to bribe me, now would be the time!

June 1st, 1926.

2007-06-01T04:36:13Z

Remember Norma Jeane... 1926-1962.

xoxo

Make A Wish...

2007-01-30T04:16:19Z

This week is crazy. I won that Jack's Mannequin meet and greet pass last night, and all day I have been trying to conjure up a way that I will be able to go... I dont have tickets yet, but they arent very expensive and since I have all my bills paid off for the next month, and money left over, I could get the $20.00 tickets pretty easily. It won't take much gas to get to seattle, just a tank there and a tank back, which is about $40.00. I don't need any accomodations once i get there besides parking money, which will probably be $15-20 for an event... But my aunt and uncle live in Seattle and I can stay with them.

The only other problem is WHO TO GO WITH? hmm... Jamie won't want to, and my little sister would want to, but I dont think my parents would let her... And i don't want to go alone.. hmm.

I have been friends online with a girl named Karly for a few years now, and she is basically my best friend, we talk about everything, and talk everyday for hours. we have ALWAYS planned on meeting up, but have never had the opportunity to. We always wanted to meet up in seattle... And we BOTH love Jack's Mannequin. In fact, the first xmas present I ever sent her was the Jack's Mannequin cd!

So... wouldn't it be AMAZING if we could meet up and go to the show together? It would mean we could finally meet, and also see a band that we both love. It couldn't be more perfect! The plane ticket is around $200, which isn't too bad for a plane ticket. She's going to ask her mom for money, and I have been selling some things online all day to try to scrape up some money.

Who hasn't wished they could hop a plane and go meet someone online who they have become good friends with? It would make me sooo happy if this could work out.

Anyway, I am posting this along with a "make a donation" button on all of my websites, because even if everyone donated $1-$5, I would have enough money for gas and whatnot to go meet her and make it to this show. I am going to do everything in my power to try and make this work out. I want to meet HER more than I want to meet Jack's Mannequin!

I'm not trying to beg for money or seem... pretentious or what have you. People in the past when I was struggling to pay my bills have said to put up a donation button, but I couldn't do it because i'm pretty proud when it comes to accepting help. But, this isn't a BILL, or something I did to myself, it is something that I really want to do, a dream I have had for a long time, and something that would make me so happy. So, I am going to post the button around because every little bit helps. And, I havent done anything fun in so long, I just hope this could work out the way I have always wanted it to.

Thanks to anyone who reads this, and even if you can't donate anything just do me a favor and cross your fingers for me! That's more than enough. xoxox

me with my JM cd 2 summers ago! :P

if you left it up to me,
everyday could be a holiday from real...
fuck yeah, we can live like this.

you'd think after 22 years i'd be used to the spin...

2007-01-08T18:22:15Z

Happy Birthday to me.

see ya next year, suckas!

2007-01-01T02:28:03Z

Happy New Year everyone! I hope whatever your plans are this evening, that you have a wonderful time! I got invited to a hotel party, so I might pop by there for a minute (it's right by my apartment)... But if you're feeling lonely at midnight, feel free to call or text me... and if you live in the area, feel free to call me and ask directions if you want to stop by the party!

my number (you should all have this memorized by now) is: 509.280.0832

CHEERS!

Merry Christmas, baby :D

2006-12-25T05:42:39Z

Hey everyone, I'm at my parents house, and I wanted to update really quickly to wish you a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS! I spent Christmas eve at my Aunt's house in Idaho, with my dad's side of the family (two sets of Aunts and Uncles, and my Grandparents, along with my parents, me and my sister.) We are spending Christmas morning at my Parents house, and then driving back to Idaho (it's about an hours drive) to spend Christmas morning/afternoon with my Mom's side of the family, with too many Aunts, Uncles, and cousins to mention here! But, it is fun having 3 Christmas parties!

Thank you to everyone who sent me packages and cards, I hope you all have gotten mine. If you haven't, they WILL be there Tuesday unless i've let you know otherwise!

Take care and have tons of fun! I won't be online again until Tuesday, but if anyone wants to call or text, my number is:

509.280.0832

LOVE YOU ALL! XOXOXOX.

Great Divide

2006-11-28T09:42:15Z

Note: (Even if you do not like Hanson, please take a moment to read this. Not for me or for the band Hanson, but for all of the children in Africa dying from the AIDS virus as we speak.)

"Months after "Great Divide" was written we found ourselves sitting in the conference room of a small technology company in Tulsa, Oklahoma with a few friends. They were going to South Africa to give away their software to the largest hospital in the southern hemisphere – Chris Hani Baragwanath Hospital in Soweto, South Africa. The primary use for the technology was to enable better treatment and research for AIDS and HIV. We didn't know what role we could play, but there was something fortuitous about the whole experience. We would go to Africa, and we would bring our music with us.

The things we saw in Africa were both joyful and sobering. The trip was about learning. We saw as much as we could in a short time trying not to blink, so that the pictures would be ingrained in our minds. But the biggest impact come from what Africa did to our music.

We were able to record two children's choirs while we were there; one in South Africa, the other in Mozambique. Watching them sing reminded us why we make music in the first place. They sing with such joy it made us stop and wonder how children with so little could possibly sing about hope. It was chilling. It was changing.

Through the song "Great Divide" we hope that some of the conviction we have will translate to whoever hears it. All the proceeds we receive from the iTunes downloads will go to the Perinatal HIV Research Unit of the hospital; people who are creating REAL HOPE. We know that a song and a T-Shirt will only do so much, but we are doing what we can with what we have.

Awareness must become a resolve to make a difference.

-Isaac, Taylor, and Zac Hanson

Click the link below to watch the music video Hanson made while in Africa, to download the song, or to listen to it for free.

http://www.flashenhanced.com/hansonecard/hanson.html

The Great Divide
(I.Hanson, T. Hanson, Z. Hanson)

The earth is shaking under siege
And every breath will meet its fate
Still we hunger for a moment of freedom
Even though the hour is late

I find hope and it gives me rest
I find hope in a beating chest
I find hope in what eyes don't see
I find hope in your hate for me

Have no fear when the waters rise
We can conquer this great divide
This great divide
When every eye is one the fortune
It can only breed contempt
They say blood is thicker than oceans
Still we box our brothers in

I find hope and it gives me rest
I find hope in a beating chest
I find hope in what eyes don't see
I find hope in your hate for me
Have no fear when the waters rise
We can conquer this great divide

And we're gone, and we're gone
And we're gone, and we're gone
And we're, holding on
And we're, holding on

I find hope and it gives me rest
I find hope in a beating chest
I find hope in what eyes don't see
I find hope in your hate for me
Have no fear when the waters rise
We can conquer this great divide
This great divide

Lies run sprints, but the truth runs marathons.

2006-06-14T07:50:04Z

woo hoo!
that fuckin' dove lady. priceless, really. wish i'd have thought of it myself.

well, anyway. Today marks one year since Michael Jackson was acquitted. I've always known that he was innocent, my entire life i've been sure of it... but June 13, 2005 was something special. A day where others around the world were forced to shut their mouths and admit that they might have been wrong about Michael Jackson. And even if they didn't change their personal opinions, at least they were silenced. It was a long time coming, and a very hard road getting there-- but that day was important. It was needed. Now hopefully this year brings about a new era for Michael Jackson. One where he doesn't have to hide in fear of people trying to take advantage of him. One where he can feel comfortable in his own skin. One where he can make the most amazing comeback ever. Believe you me, he will. Mark my words, it's going to be incredible. But the vindication was inevitable, and it had to happen. It took a toll on him, but it also cast some of the negative attention and negative light away from his image, and that was one of the only good things to come of the bogus trial.

I don't remember a time that I was ever as stressed in my entire life... I don't remember a time where I was glued to the TV for such a long period of time. I watched the news every single day from 8AM-3PM. I wanted to know what was happening everyday, and witness it myself. The week of the jury deliberation I took off of work, knowing it was important that I see the outcome with my own eyes, at the moment it was happening. What I should have done was gone to California and been there myself. I regret that now. But I saw the verdict live on TV and I suppose that was the next best thing, but I will always look back and wish I had been there to see him and support him there.

The morning that the verdict was reached, I was bombarded by all my friends and family. I also recieved calls from MJ fans all around the world. I was rushing from my computer, to my TV, and talking on both my house and cell phone... Michael was given one hour to make it to the court house, and that entire hour was frantic. I was shaking and nervous, feeling sick to my stomach. When I saw his SUV's racing down the backroads, I had to get off the phone with everyone and just sit and watch alone. When I saw him step out of his car, he looked sickly, like death, so sad. i burst into tears for the first time... my mom called and was worried about me, but i couldn't talk to her. she was crying too. all my friends and family were watching and waiting, partly out of support from him, and mostly out of support for me.

When the verdict was read, i was on the floor praying, on my knees. praying for the first time in years... and then when the first verdict was read i started laughing and screaming. i could barely hear the rest of them, every time they read another "not guilty" i would scream "i fucking told you so, assholes! i knew it!!" after all ten counts, i got up and jumped around and screamed god-knows-what. Everyone started calling and i was just crying and laughing out of joy. it was fucking over.

my sister got home, yelling "HE'S INNOCENT! HE'S FREE! WE KNEW IT!" and we danced around. Then, we decorated my car with paint and went around town blasting Michael Jackson and getting reactions from people. It was awesome. We came home and made a cake and my whole family watched MJ DVD's with all his videos on them.

That was one of the happiest times of my life, but also one of the saddest. I cannot believe Michael had to go through all of that, twice. It was unfair the first time and outrageous the second time. People are so mean-spirited, it's amazing. Always out to get someone, always out to make a buck. There's a target on his back, just because he's "different." Well, I love him because he's different. Being different doesn't make a person a fucking criminal...

And i'm just glad he was found not-guilty. And to me, that means the same damn thing as INNOCENT. people can say all they want that not-guilty and innocent are two different things, but Michael Jackson has always been, and will always be innocent.

"In a world filled with hate, we must still dare to hope.
In a world filled with anger, we must still dare to comfort.
In a world filled with despair, we must still dare to dream.
And in a world filled with distrust, we must still dare to believe."
-- Michael Jackson

if you have a few moments, watch one of these videos...

vindication.
(actual clips from the news from beginning to end.)

(video remix with clips from the news and MJ videos.)

the back of my car today

a little MJ on my hoodie ;)

laaaaast year:

mah car

the car again

happiness

craziness

fuckkk you tom sneddon!

and some of my favorite photos from the trial:

oooh pop that collar.

aw, mommy and daddy :)

fight fight fight ;)

awesome picture, he's badass.

beautiful...

after the verdict, the look in his eyes broke my heart.

i love you, Michael Joseph Jackson.

hello?

2006-03-19T09:51:07Z

hey,
who's fucking reading this?
just post a comment,
doesn't even have to be a word,
just let me know you're here...

i want to clean up my friends-list.
it's not a cut,
just weeding out the inactive...

which reminds me:
my pet peeve now is when someone adds me to their journal,
and i never add them back....
but they won't take me OFF their list.

mother fuckers.

so comment if you read this post.
(there are a few exceptions, but not for many people.)

xsullen_girlx @ 2005-10-07T00:22:00

2005-10-07T07:23:23Z

1- Go to Google (http://www.google.com)

2- Type in the word "Failure"

3- Instead of clicking "Google Search," click "I'm Feeling Lucky."

4- Giggle

5- Spread the word before the people at Google "fix" it.

xsullen_girlx @ 2005-06-21T04:31:00

2005-06-21T11:33:26Z

THIS JOURNAL IS NOW COMPLETELY FRIENDS-ONLY.
if you are a "lurker" who i do not have added, please comment in this entry. Let me know who you are, how you found me, and why you want to be added.
thanks.

it makes me that much wiser... thanks for making me a fighter.

2005-05-17T10:48:31Z

I've come to a couple of decisions. I am sick of being harassed. Period. It's gone on periodically for months now, and I've patiently taken it in stride, because honestly I don't give a shit what people think about me. But it does bother me when people who don't know anything about me as a person start drama, and bring my friends into it. That is NOT okay with me. I love my friends, and I dont want them to have added drama in their lives on my account... I'm not quite sure why people (persons) waste their time on me, as I pretty much keep to myself and don't start shit with other people, even when I would really like to. I have one thing that these (this) person(s) do not have, and that's respect. I give people space when they need it, and I keep my mouth shut when I would like to give people a piece of my mind. I consider myself a somewhat decent and classy person, and I wouldn't stoop so low as to personally attack someone in their own space (such as a journal, etc) ESPECIALLY without valid cause, and NEVER without identifying myself. That just shows fear and jealousy, and proves my point. If someone has a problem with the way I live my life, or the things that I write, that's fine. I can take critisism better than most people, and being a writer I DO expect to have people who disagree with me... I always welcome a good healthy debate or arguement, as long as it's valid. But coming to MY journal and disrespecting me by calling me a slut, and a whore, and stupid... I won't put up with it. It's even worse when they bring my friends into it...

And even with the drama that has been arising, i am glad to say that I STILL haven't stooped as low as calling the person disrespectful names or attacking their character. I dont know who this person is, I dont know anything about them, and even if i do know the person by association, I still have no right to call them a whore or invade their life and personal space with vulgarity. It's just sick and immature. I cannot stand immaturity, and I cannot stand people who judge me based on... oh, i dont know... petty things like my hair color!... Those kinds of things don't get to me anyway. I have been judged a lot in my lifetime by the way I look. But I know who i am, and the people who know me are the only people whos opinions matter.

But, it still does get under my skin when people try to bring me down. I am only human, I do get my feelings hurt. I was upset, and angry, and confused... And that's what made me decide to make ALL posts of mine friends-only, and start banning people from my journal. It's not just going to happen here, it's going to happen everywhere I have an account. Even though I don't like doing it, I have been driven to taking this kind of step. To protect my privacy, and the privacy of my friends, I feel like this would be the best route to go.

In making that decision, i have also decided that i am NOT going to be as vague as I usually am in my entries. I am going to try to let my guard down, and stop trying to communicate hidden messages through my journal. I see it too much, and I don't want my journal entries to make up for talking things out one-on-one. I have spent the majority of my time with this journal writing entries for OTHER people... to send them messages, and to inform them of how i was feeling. Well, it's not going to happen anymore. I am going to work on my real-life relationships/friendships, and I am going to start to TALK, instead of using fancy words to cover up what I really mean. And if i have something to say about someone in my journal, I am going to try my hardest to be obvious, or address the person by name if appropriate. My entire life is like one huge puzzle, and i am sure people are sick of putting together the pieces. I just always felt like i NEEDED to be vague and private, because I wasn't sure who was reading this... But now, I am going to know exactly who is reading... And I hope it solves some major problems.

I also don't want my being more candid to run people off. it seems like serious entries don't get as much attention and response at the not-so-serious ones. I am not asking for a ton of notes, but it would be nice to know that someone actually takes the time to read what I have to say. I know most of you do, I just want to warn everyone in advance that I will be changing this journal, and if you feel like you need to delete me, that's okay... I am also going to try to comment more, and be a better friend all around to everyone, that includes online friends as well.

So that's it. Tomorrow ALL entries are friends only, indefinately. If you read me and aren't on my friends list, you will have to comment on THIS entry to be added from this point on. (and no this does NOT apply to people who are already friends. everyone is staying.) <3 Thanks for reading through this rant. I could have said a LOT more, but again... Maybe right here/ right now isn't the place to do it.

and with that, i am done. no more on this topic. i just had to get this out in the open.

sorry you cant define me
sorry i break the mold
sorry that i speak my mind
sorry that i dont do what i'm told
sorry if i dont fake it
sorry i curse for real
i will never hide what i really feel.
sorry if i'm not perfect
sorry i dont give a fuck
sorry i'm not a diva
sorry thats not what i want
sorry im not a virgin
sorry im not a SLUT
i wont let you break me
think what you want.

christie vs. christina

2005-04-24T08:27:32Z

(this was originally a post for the_glamorous, but i wanted to post it in here to see what all of you thought. lol. so here goes. please be brutally honest.

I've been told so many times (especially in rating communities) that I look like Christina Aguilera... I don't particularly like her, or try in any way to emulate her... But I have browsed around at pictures of her, and it seems a lot of our looks and photos have a similar look. To some people, looking like her is a good thing. to others, its a very bad thing. (I still can't make up my mind. I still shudder when someone says I look like her, but she can look glamorous sometimes. it depends.) I always think to myself: "youre a fat version of christina aguilera" haha. But then shes also trailer trash and i'm not. *shrug*

enjoy.

(i'm aware that some of these pictures of me are definately not my best ;)

Christina:

Me:

Christina:

Me:

Christina:

Me:

<3,
christie (yes, i'm aware that at least one of our similarities is our name.

xsullen_girlx @ 2005-04-21T04:07:00

2005-04-21T11:08:43Z

yeah, that about sums it up.
<3
fuck.

xsullen_girlx @ 2005-04-20T18:09:00

2005-04-21T01:12:26Z

yuck. i really don't want to go to work in an hour.
i havent had a day off in a week, thank god i have the next 3 off.
i might fake sick or something, so i can come home.
boo.
anyone want to do something when i get off at 11:30?

didnt think so.
blah.

xsullen_girlx @ 2005-04-20T03:42:00

2005-04-20T10:42:18Z

join the_glamorous

xsullen_girlx @ 2005-04-17T23:36:00

2005-04-18T07:09:48Z

fun stuff you hear only when you're a starbucks barista:

* CHRISTIE, you are the reason we come here everyday! YOU are what makes starbucks what it is, everytime we come here one of you employees make our day! and we want to thank you from the BOTTOM OF OUR HEARTS!!! (this was said to me in the drive-thru speaker one night)

* What was your name again? oooh, Christie... i just want to tell you... Jesus loves you. (said to me one night in the drive through, by someone completely random. Keep in mind he was completely serious.)

* I want the weirdest drink you have!!! give me SOMETHING WEIRD! (sorry sir, you are already weird enough. go home.)

* Is a wet cappucino the same thing as a dry latte?! (why yes it is, you retard. you shouldnt be here. get a black drip coffee and go home.)

* THIS 220 DEGREE AMERICANO ISNT HOT ENOUGH! MAKE ME A NEW ONE! (Norm, (yes thats the guys name) open your mouth, do you actually HAVE a tongue? wtf.)

* Uhmmmm.... didnt i like, say, like, i wanted this... ICED? can you remakkkeeeee ittt??? (no. i repeated your drink back to you TWICE, you did not say iced! i'm going to pour this drink over your head now. bye.)

* I simply CANNOT drink a cappucino like this... [in a paper to-go cup] Its just.... I CANT DO IT. its supposed to be... in a... CERAMIC CUP, a big one, like a BOWL... I CANT DO THIS!!!! (but, maam, we dont have a venti for-here ceramic cup.) I DONT CARE!!! *GASP! CHOKE!* (somebody get this lady some oxygen! quick!)

* I love your hair! (ew, have you seen these roots? it looks horrible) I think its so funky and FUN!!! And it looks like you meant to have your roots like that! Like, so totally rockin it pamela anderson style!! (hah. hah. haha. thanks. did you mean i look like white trash then?)

AND TODAY... (i saved the best for last...)

* Has anyone ever told you that you look like LIZA MINELLI? (no but thank you i'll go kill myself now, thanks. She swore it was a compliment, because liza "is beautiful!" yeah... okay... right. at least michael jackson will still love me LOL.)

ah, starbucks. how i love and despise you all at once. people are so weird and random there, ive never seen anything like it in my life. each day i come home more amused and confused than i was the day before. everyone in this world has gone nuts. i swear. ive been compared to pamela anderson and liza minelli in one day. ive been blessed and praised and talked down to, and yelled at haha. Im confused. Do i love this job, or do i hate it?? at least its not boring. *shrug* And you can never beat free coffee. honestly. it keeps me sane lol.

i actually took this a month or so ago, but never posted it. Why? i dont know, because i really liked it for whatever reason.

ps- KYLE WHERE ARE YOU?!!? IM GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU WHEN YOU SHOW YOUR FACE AROUND HERE AGAIN, MOTHERFUCKER. :(

xsullen_girlx @ 2005-04-16T03:50:00

2005-04-16T10:51:13Z

"You cannot live with the past cluttering up the house. You cannot waste your love. You must love what is left, what has the will to live."

where do you go, when you're gone?

2005-04-12T07:37:36Z

mmmm
two bottles of wine
in under an hour.

i feel like crying
so i think its time to go to bed,
before i do something i regret.

xsullen_girlx @ 2005-04-11T03:04:00

2005-04-11T10:21:23Z

i'm a little short of breath right now. amped up on caffiene, and also in the midst of drugging myself in a feeble attempt to sleep. the mix of the upper and downer substances are quite interesting. im feeling weak and lightheaded. i don't think the shortness of breath is stemming from this combination however. its from something completely different. it gets worse by the minute.

i thought i was inspired earlier. for about an hour, i re-read old letters and diary entries i wrote last fall.. thinking that maybe it would spark something inside of me, and i would be able to let go and write something ^anything of signifigance. its been a year now since i have touched my memoir, or even contemplated the notion of working on it... shape or form. i guess these journals are some kind of basis for working on it, technically. But it sits, in a gigantic 3-ring binder, on a shelf with all my other "real" books. collecting dust. Maybe having it there next to all the real published books gives me a sense of comfort and security. Its real, then... and someday may be something bound and porfessional, instead of being the mess of printed computer pages, 3 hole punched and highlighted with pink marker.

But to tell you the truth, i wasnt inspired. I was impressed, reading through the letters, poems, and thoughts that raced through my head and onto the screen... it seemed like ages ago. Will i ever have that feeling back again?

driving home from work at midnight, i got the notion to read through those things. i think part of me wanted to share them with someone. anyone. so that they could feel what i felt. so that they may understand better where i am coming from. But then i know thats a stupid idea. I have shared too much already, and to do so now would just make me look like a fool. That's all i need right now.

The only thing i feel like sharing right now, is that physical experiences dont phase me as much as people may think they do. i feel numb to most everything... and people just dont understand that. my feelings on current subect matters just dont mean anything... and they arent as strong as people presume they would be. i feel how i feel. i feel the same way i have felt for ages. minor words, actions, and events do not affect that positively or negatively. They just exist as filler. im going to feel the same way i always have, regardless of things that may happen. Is that understandable? I know its different, i know its unusual, i know it can be downright scary... seeing as i am percieved as such an "emotional person". You would think i was sitting here dwelling on things, day and night. Analyzing them and trying to capitalize on them. But im not. I just take things for what they are at the time, and go on with my life.

i wish i could just say it.

i'm okay though. confused, yes. curious, maybe. but i never read into things. Why is it that i get everyone so well, and it seems so hard for anyone to actually "get" what i am trying to say?

oh yeah, because i never actually say it. but thats because i dont think you really want me to.

i hope that was confusing.

high expectations

2005-04-10T10:14:07Z

Tonight was supposed to be good. But it really wasn't that good. Jamie and I spent about 3 hours getting ready to go downtown and check out this new "celebrity casino and restaurant" called Marilyn's on Monroe. It is themed around Marilyn Monroe... and from the commercials and from the outside, it looks really awesome. It just opened last week. Well, I thought it would be a good idea to dress up like marilyn (as i always do for taking pictures) and go into the place looking like that. The waitresses there are all dress up as marilyn, so I thought i would fit right in. Jamie also dressed up (not as marilyn, just dressed up in general) I wore my black dress, with some tight dark jeans underneath it, my high black strappy shoes that i wore for prom (they are fucking hot, ive only worn them like 3 times.) and of course i curled my hair up and did the false eyelash/red lips/beauty mark thing...

When we got there, we werent impressed. the restaurant was insanely small, and the waitresses put NO effort into looking like marilyn. They had blonde curly wigs and dresses similar to hers in the seven year itch (subway grate, dress blowing scene) but they were all flat chested and not volumptious like marilyn at ALL. they were tan, and didnt have the trademark red lipstick or beauty mark... it was just... blah. and our waitress gave ME dirty looks! haha. fucking jealous whores. I didnt look much like marilyn tonight, but sometimes i can look fairly similar (although i am not saying i look a bit like her without completely transforming myself with makeup and hair etc. i WISH.) and i'm sure she knew i looked better. so fuck that.

the only cool things were the art on the walls of marilyn, and the photos they had framed of her. there were also plasma screen TVs playing The Seven Year Itch, but the damned 50's music was SO LOUD in there, you couldnt hear a thing...

so overall, that place didnt win me over. but then again, i have HIGH expectations when it comes to my Marilyn. So... I guess its not too much of a shock.

Jamie and i were depressed, so we went to Boston's Pizza to get dessert, because their desserts are sinfully disgustingly good... And we decided to fast this coming week and this would be our last treat. The waiter was someone we went to school with... he was odd. he kept looking at my boobs, but then again everyone did. i had them hanging out there tonight for everyone to see.... Remember that gas station guy who has my number and called me a couple times? Well, an un-identified local number called my cell tonight, so i answered it and pretended like i was arab... "Ello? Who dis?!?!?!" and then i hung up. Im so fucking cool its disgusting, maybe that scared him off, if everything works out alright ;)

Jamie and I ended up taking pictures, but they all turned out HORRID and didnt do any justice to how good we actually looked when we left the house tonight. But i am going to post some anyway and you can point and laugh at us. I added captions to help you along.

ps- i wore false lashes today, and my eyes are swelling shut right now. Im so fucking stupid... IM ALLERGIC TO ADHESIVE AND YET I TORTURE MYSELF AND WEAR FALSE EYELASHES WITH EYELASH ADHESIVE omg. my eyes hurt SO bad right now. UGH im an idiot haha.

onto the pictures! brace yourself.

we just cant seem to take a decent picture together. so we make fun of ourselves instead.

this is jamie doing her best audition face for Buffy. And me, doing my best audition for... exorcist.

we were pouting because our night was bad. jamie achieved the look, while i... went retarded for a second.

this was my cake. Jamie's cake is in the background. (you can see her fork in the air haha.)

jamie took this while i was driving. yeah, i am so badass.

jamie being badass in my glasses, trying to show me up. (she looks hawtttt hehe)

(and just for kicks...)

the waiter was very impressed with the cherry/strawberry sauce that fit perfectly in my boobs. shot, anyone?

hahaha. i think my eyes are weird in all of them, because they were beginning to swell shut! hahahaha. im so fucking DUMB. the end.

the outline that i trace around the one that i call mine.

2005-04-09T09:35:51Z

sometimes life throws you for a loop, always when you least expect it. never when you planned it. i guess thats why things like this end up being catagorized as "amazing," no matter how small or crazy they may be. i have had a lot of experiences that i can truly look back on and call them "amazing," even though to some people, those experiences are nothing but an everyday occurence for them. everything has a different meaning, to different people. i guess i am completely different from everyone else. but i guess i wouldnt be exaggerating if i said last night was nothing short of "amazing."

and me, im one of those people who everyone else calls a "pessimistic realist" and i never get my hopes up for anything. Instead, i tend to look on the negative end of the spectrum. I focus on what could go wrong in the future, instead of what could go right. I expect the worst, because I am used to the worst. even when people around me and jumping up and down congratulating me or cheering me on, i won't smile and cheer along with them. I will keep my feelings and anticipation close to myself, and i wont let myself feel a tiny tinge of hope... much less let anyone else SEE me hoping. It makes it that much easier to say: "i told you so" when things eventually end up going south, you see.

i'm not saying that i wont try. i'm not saying that my wonderful and amazing experiences mean nothing... because they mean the world to me, and i will always try. i'm not a quitter, and when i believe something is right, i dont give up easily. its rare that i find anything to be utterly satisfying and perfect, so when i find that something; i want to hold onto it and keep it. most of the time, those things end up slipping away anyway, no matter how hard i try.

i see jamie being so fucking controlled by her relationship with jerry, i dont think that i could ever completely submit myself to something like that. having to answer to every move i make isnt really my style, nor is needing to know every detail of other peoples lives. Jamie cannot go anywhere without fully describing it to jerry, and visa versa. They argue but cannot go 24 hours without seeing one another. I'm just not clingy like that. I never HAVE been. Sure, i want to spend time with the person i love, and i would never deny seeing that person. but to constantly have tabs on your signifigant other... I dont know how well i would do with that. I believe in personal independence and free will. Is that odd? Is that not what you are suppose to DO in a relationship? i guess i wouldnt really know...

and then tonight, at brandee's house. She was fighting with her husband over something. She was screaming and crying and carrying on, and he was getting angry and yelling too. They never get along, they dont have sex and he seems not to give a shit about her, and she wants to leave him. She threw something at him, and pushed him into something, he called her a bitch... i wasnt in the same room, so i cannot say for sure what else happened. But she isnt happy. WHY cant people just be happy? Why do people fight like that? I am not really the fighting type, i guess. Jamie and I agrue a lot, but its all it is. Arguing. I dont like confrontation or fighting. I would rather just work it out. Im easy going and i'm not jealous and i dont have pent up rage. I see so many people who arent happy, and i wonder why its so hard for them.

i guess if i am ever really IN a relationship, it would be different. or i am hoping it would be. i feel like i am the perfect alternative to the usual girlfriend because i am the ANTI girlfriend. I am not jealous (no really, im not. hardley at all, actually.) I dont really give anyone reason to be jealous regarding me, and i dont really freak out about small insignifigant things. I dont yell, i hate yelling. I rarely pick fights, and i prefer just getting ALONG in the first place rather than disagreeing and fighting later on. i want to be friends with the person i am with, i dont want everything to be so SERIOUS all the time. I dont care what other people do, unless it is directly affecting me in a bad way. I care a lot about the other persons happiness and would actually strive for that, instead of pulling the "WHAT ABOUT MEEEE?!?!?" act all the time. Because relationships arent all about one person... although tons of people (girls, usually) think it should be. And, i'm not a slut. I am experienced enough not to be prude, but i havent been around the block. I am loyal but not clingy. I dont shrivel up and die if i dont hear from someone for a day. im actually kind of a loser who likes to be alone some of the time, and i believe that people need their space or they will go fucking crazy and kill one another. im spontanious and open minded. i like to party, i like to be romantic, i like to be wild, i like to just sit around and do nothing....

edit:(i like long walks on the beach and candlelit dinners for two, im a capricorn... hahahaaha. i re-read that last paragraph and it sounded like i was submitting a personal ad. hahaha i am SO cool, i kill myself.)

i always thought those were good qualities. after a while though, i began to wonder if they really were good qualities at all? maybe they are what makes a good FRIEND, and nothing more. Although i strive for so much more, because i know things could be great, and i could be happy. we could be happy. i could make someone/ you, very happy. Do girlfriends (wives, even) have to be everything that i hate? everything that i never want to let myself become?

i feel like i am selling myself here, but maybe thats what i have to do. set it out on the table, because im not kidding. this is me. i guess, take it or leave it.... i wish it wouldn't be the latter. why cant i just have a chance? what more in gods name could i possibly even say? i'm not upset, not in the least. things are GOOD right now. i dont need to BE with someone to be happy, but for future reference, i would just like to find some good answers. the only thing anyone can ever come up with, is that im too good for them, or something similar to that. and thats complete bullshit. along with the good qualities come all the bad/baggage qualities. *shrug* we all have good and bad qualities, right? im not perfect, i dont expect anyone else to be either.

hmm.

but anyway. yeah. last night was good, and it just made me think of a lot of weird shit that wasnt completely related. I wish i could say more... but then, i dont really want to. i just want to keep it all to myself, behind my eyes and then smile about it when no one is looking. the only two people who need to know, already know. and that is the two people who were involved. the only thing i hope is that it wont be too long before i actually have another night to call "amazing." those times as of late have been way too few and far between. things may be easier now... although i'm not telling myself anything.

thats all for random ramblings now, i suppose.

Spring sweet rhythm dance in my head
And slip into my lover's hands
Kiss me, won't you kiss me now?
And sleep I would inside your mouth

Don't be us too shy
For knowing it's no big surprise
That I will wait for you
I will wait for no one but you

Oh please lover lay down
Spend this time with me
Together share this smile
Lover lay down
Spend this time with me

Walk with me, walk with you
Hold my hand your hands
So much we have dreamed
And we were so much younger
Hard to explain that we are stronger

A million reasons life to deny
Let's toss them away
See you and me we
Lay down look see
She and he
By my lover's side
Together share this smile
Each other's tears to cry
Together share this smile
Lover lay down

Oh please
Oh please lover lay down
Oh please lover lay down
And you weep
Lover lay down
Cause it's over
Lover lay down
Say lover, say lover, say lover, say lover, say lover
Could I love you
Could you love me?
Darling it's
All the same
'Til we dance away
Chasing me all around
Leading me all around
Leading me all around in circles
Leading me all around in circles

there's one too many of you in this world

2005-04-07T07:52:30Z

i am way too amused right now, to do anything but mock my situation. And no, this entry isnt friends only. for a reason, i guess. Although not specifically. I just don't care who sees these pictures. They were meant for people to see, anyway. It won't take a genius to figure out why i posted them, and that I am being completely sarcastic. At least i have a LITTLE tact, as i dont come right out and degrade people to their face, or for the whole world to see. BUT i could. I'd like to retain a little dignity, though. Even if this IS war.

i fucked with these pictures, but not to the point that they are suppose to look fabulous. It's definatley not worth my time. But i had a good time taking them ;) Don't hate me, i know it's kind of childish... but isnt this whole FIASCO childish? haha.

yup. i censored myself to anything more than that. No more mention of anything from here on out... i just had to get out my aggressions this once. ;)